Walking Away and Walking Towards

It is with great pleasure and divine timing that I write this response to Merri Lisa Johnson and Robert McRuer’s article, “Cripistemologies: Introduction.”

Disability is a term that causes an uneasiness in my soul. It is the first three letters that make it uncomfortable: d-i-s. The definition of this prefix is “the opposite or a sense of.” These three little letters already frame the letters to follow as something less than or dismissive. Well, there’s that d-i-s, again. I personally prefer the language of “differently abled” when it comes to describing people.  Additionally, the term disability tends to conjure up feelings related to one’s body. As a person who deals with a different ability, I take up this conversation from my own personal experience - an experience that does not manifest itself in a physical form that others can see.

During the last year of my Master’s program, Fall 2018, I was diagnosed with GAD - Generalized Anxiety Disorder. There’s another d-i-s word. This diagnosis immediately changed my able-bodied status to a differently abled reality. I could still physically walk around classes, sit at my desk, read my coursework, and even communicate with others; but, the pressure to excel took a toll on my mental health and resulted in a new label. A label that reappeared as recently as October 4, 2021.

According to the Social Security Administration, anxiety disorders qualify for disability benefits. I have not applied for the SSA benefits , but it is worth noting that the hoops one must jump through to apply speaks to the difficulty of being diagnosed with something that cannot be seen. To pull from the reading, the author wrote, “Driving or flying long distances hurts (Johnson & McRuer, 2014, p. 136).” The author has scoliosis. The pain related to this “dis”ability cannot be seen outwardly, but she can feel it. The same is true with GAD. I am fairly confident that the author and I are not the only two with something that can be experienced but not seen. With that being so, let’s look at what to do in these spaces.

I choose to take this reflection in the direction of permission granting. I revealed a personal truth that outwardly cannot be seen. You never would have known about my mental health diagnosis that qualifies for disability, if I would not have shared. My sharing is not for YOU to share your truth (unless you want to); rather, it is about creating a space to look at disability differently. It is to grant a permission to be okay with how your mind and body operate rather than trying to conform to a set expectation of being. Or, as the authors wrote, “Sometimes comfort comes from relaxing into debility instead of frantically scrambling away from it (p. 136).”

When I learned to say yes to myself, I learned to minimize the frequency of GAD occurrences. Yes, “minimize” not eliminate. This intentional slowing of life created spaces of great peace and joy; however, when I pushed and was pushed beyond these borders, my differently abled mind reminded my physical body that THIS shit is real. Generalized Anxiety Disorder is a label that allows for a conversation about performance and pausing. We MUST “change [our] perceptions of personal responsibility to engage capacity in the service of …(p. 136).” How you fill in the blank is up to you; I choose the following:

I will change my perception of my personal responsibility and intentionally choose to engage capacity in the service of joy.

How would you complete the sentence?